Most involved parents can probably tell you just about anything about their kid's school ... except the name of the person who drives the bus. Which is weird, considering what an important job that is. After all, the worst that, say, a bad teacher can do is convince a student to major in philosophy. If a driver fails at doing their job, children are going to fucking die.
We wanted to know about this insanely underappreciated profession, so we talked to three experienced child herders: Jay, Mike, and Adam. They told us of how ...
#5. Students Abuse The Drivers All The Time
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Children can sometimes be vicious dickheads with the empathy of sociopathic sharks, so it should come as no surprise that if you put them in a car driven by someone who can't legally smack the smirks off their stupid little faces, things tend to get ugly, and fast. "I have a coworker who is absolutely gorgeous," Jay explains, "and while she is tough, she had to give up her after-school route because the high school students were sexually harassing her. Things like loudly imagining what it would be like if she sucked this kid's dick, or straight-up propositioning her for sex."
The drivers have no power to punish that. There's a form they can write up which causes the student to lose bus privileges for up to three weeks, but all it takes is mommy having a fit, and the kid's back the next day.
Comstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images"How would my son even KNOW about sex? His father and I never had sex!"
Besides, the form can often do more harm than good. As Adam explains: "There was one kid [who] sucker-punched the driver and just walked off the bus ... You can write them up, but if a kid gets kicked out of school, you might have to drive them to a new school district [because] of the No Child Left Behind policy ... The worst that we've ever done is drive four extra hours just for one kid."
In extreme situations, bus drivers are allowed to call the police, which is what Jay's friend did when one of the students threatened to kill her. That story has a happy ending, though: The driver was ultimately forgiven for snitching and making the school look bad. But that doesn't always happen."We had one driver," Mike explains. "She was doing an after-school run when a fight broke out, and some kid backed her into the stairwell and started hitting her. He knocked the radio out of her hand and punched her. It was all on camera, but because she pressed charges, the school said, 'We don't want you driving for us anymore.'"
moodboard/moodboard/Getty Images"Jessica was assaulting at a fifth-grade level, and now you've stunted her growth."
#4. Bus Drivers Can't Touch The Students -- Not Even During Medical Emergencies
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People are always going on about wanting to protect children, but if they actually meant it, then school bus drivers would be given extensive first-aid training and permission to catapult troublemakers out of the vehicle via ejector seat. (Also, all buses would be equipped with ejector seats.) Instead, what most drivers are given is less authority than a mall cop. "We aren't allowed to touch students, even if they're trying to kill each other ... It could lead to a lawsuit," says Jay. Meaning if a fight breaks out on his bus, the most he can do is yell at the kids and radio the school for help. That's it. This is the policy in many if not most school districts.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images"HEY, STOP FIGHTING BACK THERE ... Oh well, did all I could. I have $30 on Billy! Who's in?"
Bizarrely, the same "observe and report" approach applies even to life-and-death situations. "We've had entire training sessions devoted to telling us how to react in an emergency, and it's basically: Don't touch the kids for any reason, including them choking or having a seizure ... I've heard people on the radio absolutely panicking because a kid is bleeding profusely or having an allergic reaction, and they're just told to get to the school as quickly as they can, or home if they're closer."
That's right: school or home. The administration forbids Jay from taking sick/injured students to a hospital, in case their family doesn't have health insurance. The protocol is to either get them to the school nurse or dump them on the parents' doorstep.
Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty ImagesWe're running a little late, so I'll get as close to Billy's house as possible, and then everyone roll him out. On my mark ..."
Ultimately, the schools are so afraid of what might occur during a driver-student interaction that they forbid all but the most minimal, fleeting contact. "I get preschoolers who occasionally want a hug, but we aren't allowed to, as it could be interpreted as a sexual thing. We're supposed to high-five them instead."
#3. Children Have No Sense Of Self-Preservation
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For Jay, it's normal to see students leaning out of the windows, opening the emergency exits, or yelling at pedestrians (usually something vulgar/sexual). Every jackass stunt like that means precious seconds of him not paying 100 percent attention to the road while operating a five-ton vehicle hurtling down the street.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images"Why should we care? We're reasonably sure we're immortal."
Shockingly, this leads to a lot of accidents. According to Adam: "I've become a little more strict about making kids sit down, because I've picked teeth out of the back of the seats." Now, some behavior isunderstandable -- like when preschoolers violently yank on Jay's ponytail. Yeah, it's dangerous as shit, but hey, they're kids. They don't know any better. But then you have high school students who like to light up inside the bus and get Jay secondhand stoned.
"I had kids smoking pot on my bus. One time, some girl shouted, 'Who wants to smoke this fatty with me?' as loudly as she could. I hear that kind of thing all the time, so I ignored it. It wasn't long before I distinctly smelled it, and started feeling the effects ... I got panicky and my vision blurred, so I pulled over. The police were called, but they couldn't conclude anything." And remember, short of magically teleporting next to the student and snatching the blunt from them, there was legally nothing that Jay could have done, other than radio for help while some little asshole hotboxed the entire bus.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images"Whoa, man ... The wheels on the bus really do go 'round and 'round. Heavy."
But sometimes, the passengers take a more active approach to murdering everyone on the bus."Kids have thrown things from the back which hit the windshield and smacked me in the face," Mike said. "You try to explain to them 'Hey, we could have died,' and they just don't get it. They just think they were funny. 'Yeah, we hit the bus driver.'"
Due to that, some drivers have been known to "brake check" the rowdy passengers. Now, they are obviously not supposed to suddenly slam on the brakes and make kids smash face-first into the seat in front of them. We are also not endorsing this behavior. But the drivers aren't allowed to interact with the students beyond shouting at them, and most school buses don't have seat belts, so ...
Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty Images"Let's see if I can catch air on the next speed bump."
"The few times I did it intentionally were off main roads," says Jay, "and I did it because the kids were so loud, everyone was standing, I couldn't yell loud enough to get them to sit. I have never done it to elementary kids, though." Which is admirable, but not essential to keeping your job as a bus driver. That's because ...
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